I met the friendliest cop last night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
