I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
