Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
