Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize