Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
