We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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