haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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