I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
