toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
