another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize