Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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