On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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