the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
