dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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