Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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