how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize