drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
