Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
