So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So here I am, sexting at work.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
