remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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