I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
