return my video game
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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