I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
