You're completely useless in the revolution.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
