I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
