Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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