I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Such a big mess for such a small penis
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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