I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hippo gnu deer
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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