cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
