i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
