I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
