Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
