Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I've blown a few things in my day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize