the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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