Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
