sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize