On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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