That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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