3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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