He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
