dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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