The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
