EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
