half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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