So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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