saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
