This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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