That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
