my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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