I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there's paper in my vomit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
