Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i've created a new STD.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
