Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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