im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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