why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
