I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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