Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize