hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
