i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
