I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
