i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
