My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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