my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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